


The spaces in between

by WritingStag



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Holtzbert - Freeform, The single longest piece i have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7756306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingStag/pseuds/WritingStag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holtz doesn't have the best home life and Erin does really handle feelings all that well. They stumble and they fall and slosh through all the madness and pain that being 17 brings and maybe, just maybe they'll find each other.  (High school au, non canon compliment more like bending canon rules)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The spaces in between

**Author's Note:**

> I want to start of by saying my computer reset and I lost every single word of this fic TWICE and narrowly avoided a third time so the fact that this exists at all is a miracle. I really hope you enjoy this because it wanted out so badly i rewrote it three times. Also fun fact, the text conversation names are what each girl has the other saved in their phone as. (you can also come chat with me on my tumblr under the name coffeeskater plz come talk to me about this ship and these characters)

“Get your shit together Holtzmann!”

“Shut up Kevin, it’s clash, that means team work, it’s not my fault you keep running off and getting killed. Maybe if you stuck with the team you wouldn’t have 21 deaths and no kills.”

“I’m not the idiot playing hunter on an all titan team!” There was gun fire and Kevin cursed loudly and began chewing Holtz out again. Apparently having had enough of the abuse she yanked the headset cord from the controller, dropping her from the group chat and muting Kevin. She muttered under her breath as the gunfire continued and the gurgles of other characters dying filled the room.

Finally the announcer declared their defeat and Holtz just muttered “told you so.” To herself before standing and moving across the room to drape herself across Erin’s shoulders who was focused on her physics text book and the long problem she was working on.

“Kevin’s an ass. You should come play with me instead.” Erin shook her head, hiding the small smile from Holtz.

“No thank you, I have homework to do.” Holtz blew a raspberry.

“It’s physics and you’re a genius. You could do this in your sleep. Come on it’s not hard. You do harder stuff than playing a game that has like, 10 buttons. And you don’t even use half of them.”

“Highly intelligent.” Erin corrected her, scribbling a number in the margin. Holtz blew another raspberry.

“Genius. Don’t sell yourself short.”  Erin did smile this time and Holtz gave up on trying to get her to play games with her.

Holtz flung herself back onto Erin’s bed, and squirming around before becoming comfortable again. The room fell silent save for the gunfire and Holtz’s occasional snort and snarky comment. A few matches later and Holtz stood stretching. “Well, I guess I should be going.”

Erin grimaced. “You know you can stay here.” Holtz stuffed homework she hadn’t done back into her backpack and made a noise halfway between a grunt and a whine.

“I know….Father’s just been…” she took a deep breath and sighed. “He said if I don’t start coming home at night He’ll call the cops. Honestly I believe him and your family is already done so much for me I don’t want to drag you into shit like that.”

Erin forced a smile and nodded. “I understand.” She knew Holtz’s father didn’t want her coming home because he missed her or cared for her, but rather because he saw her as an object for him to control and do with as he pleased. Holtz never spoke of her home life in detail and Erin didn’t want to pry.

“Are you sure? My parents don’t mind. You practically live here anyways.” Holtz nodded.

“I’m sure. I really wouldn’t put it past him to call the cops on you. I mean, there no way he doesn’t know I’m _here_.”  It made Erin sick but she knew there was no point in fighting it. She stood to walk to Holtz to the door. Her room was so full of Holtz. The two game consoles hooked up to the tv were hers, there was a garbage bag (which was honestly mostly all over the floor by now) of Holtz’s clothes in the corner and a pile of books and notebooks on engineering, mechanics and instruction manuals for god knows what kinds of machines strewn in a circle by the foot of her bed. For once, Erin didn’t mind the mess but only because it was Holtz.

“I’ll see you tomorrow at school.”

“You betcha.” Holtz gave her a lopsided grin but it was only her mouth, it didn’t reach the rest of her face.

“Be careful okay? I know you hate it but just… lie and be good okay?” The fake smile slipped from her face and instead she grimaced, her mouth tight. Erin grabbed her hand briefly and squeezed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Holtz nodded again before turning and walking down the driveway towards the bus stop. Erin watched her go, a tight feeling in her chest.

The next morning when Holtz showed up to school wearing a scarf Erin knew something was wrong. Holtz had an eccentric way of dressing but aside from the occasional tie, never wore anything around her neck. (She’d been wearing a scarf once and it’d caught on fire during a lab experiment.)

Several times throughout the day Erin tried to catch her alone, worried and wanting to know why she wore the scarf. Holtz kept brushing her off or slipping away and Erin was getting frustrated. After chemistry, their second last class and one they shared Erin managed to pen Holtz in.

“Why are you wearing that scarf?”

“Because it’s chilly?” Holtz said, cocking one eyebrow, a smile toying at her lips.

“Come on Holtz, it’s just me, whatever it is you can tell me.”

“You’re really not going to let this drop are you?” Erin shook her head and Holtz sighed. “I can’t even be mad because I know you’re just doing this because you care.”

“I really do.”

Holtz toyed with the fabric. “You can’t tell anyone.” Erin opened her mouth to promise but Holtz cut her off. “I mean it Erin, no one, not…. Especially not a teacher or a cop.” Alarm bells went off in Erin’s head and she couldn’t help but start panicking. She swallowed thickly and after a few moments of hesitation and a pointed look she caved.

“I promise.” Apparently satisfied Holtz slowly unwound her scarf and Erin gasped. There was a big red and purple bruise on her neck, a handprint, the fingers clenched tightly around the column of her throat. Even if Erin had wanted to speak, she couldn’t have, he throat closed up as she fought down tears at the sight. Holtz wouldn’t meet her eyes, shifting uncomfortably as her hands twisted in the material of her scarf, now balled in her hands.

Cautiously stepping closer Erin reached out and gently slid her finger tips along the bruise. Her fingers were cool and it helped sooth some of the ache, she traced the fingers of the bruise, throat bobbing as she tried to find something to say. Holtz’s eyes had closed under the gentle ministrations.  The bruise was huge.

“I’m going to kill him.” Holtz’s eyes flew open at that. She was eye level with Erin and she could see the pure fury burning in grey eyes. “I’m going to…” Erin growled, actually growled and Holtz was taken aback. “I’m going to make him pay...” She began to pace, fist clenching and unclenching at her side. “He’s scum I can’t believe…” Erin was getting really worked up. Suddenly she was back in Holtz’s space, one hand gently cupping her chin and tilting her head this way and that, the other on her hip, gripping so tight Holtz was half sure she’d have another handprint bruise.

“You’re really worked up over this.” Erin’s eyes snapped to hers and Holtz was a bit startled by how intense her gaze was.

“Of fucking course I’m worked up!”

“profanity.” Holtz replied absently, more shocked that Erin swore. It was maybe the second time ever hearing her drop an f bomb. All of a sudden Erin softened and pulled Holtz into a hug.

“You are not going back there. Never again. I won’t let you Jay. I won’t see you hurt like this.”

There were so many words crowding her mouth, all pushing to be released. “Jay?”  She asked, eyebrow quirking upwards. Erin huffed, a laugh in there somewhere.

“That’s what you’re focusing on here? I don’t know, I know you don’t like when I call you Jillian.” She flinched instinctively and Erin brushed her thumb back and forth across the nap of her neck soothingly.  “Jay isn’t really Jillian. Besides you have like 20 nicknames for you, I need one for you.”  Holtz laughed at that, a short but genuine sound.

“Jay works for me.” Erin nodded, her nose brushing against her shoulder and for the first time Holtz realized they were pressed together rather tightly. “I guess this means I’m moving into your house full time…?”

Erin nodded and held her tighter. I’ll talk to my parents tonight. I’ll just tell them your dad threw you out or something.” Holtz was about to reply when the bell signaling their next class had started rang.

“Shoot!” Erin yelped. “We’re late!” Holtz simply pulled out of the hug and looped her scarf back around her neck before she hooked her arm through Erin’s and calmly started walking.

“Relax, I’ll just tell the teacher I made a mess in chemistry and you stayed behind to clean it up. He won’t even think twice.” Erin giggled at that. “I’m also okay with moving in with you but only if it’s okay with your parents. And I need to go back to my place and gather some stuff. There a pound of Uranium under my bed and I’m not leaving that laying around for my dad to find.”

Erin gasped, eyes wide. “Jay!!”

“Kidding!”

~

It was a few weeks later and Holtz’s bruise had faded almost entirely. All that was left was one faint finger that was barely noticeable considering what Holtz usually got up to. Moving into Erin’s house had gone surprisingly well and one night Holtz had confessed she was sure her father hadn’t even noticed she wasn’t coming home at all. The only issue presented was Erin was starting to realize something she’d rather ignore.

More and more often she caught herself staring at Holtz’s lips or other less appropriate areas. She touched her a lot more often as well, doing almost anything for a short second of contact. Trailing her fingers across her back as she walked by, sitting on the bed together close enough so their knee’s touched.  Erin wasn’t an idiot, she knew she was crushing on her best friend and hard. The situation only made worse by the fact that they lived together, went to school together and spent nearly every waking moment together. It was getting harder and harder to act normal around the blonde. At one point she confided in their mutual friend Abby who suggested she just tell her, but anxiety rose like bile in her throat. She couldn’t just tell her. It was hard living with your best friend you were crushing on but it was so much harder to live with your girlfriend. There was too much at stake. What if they broke up? Where would Holtz go then? The internal debate waged for three days straight before Erin decided to swallow her feelings. Being around Holtz so often was getting to be too much, it was hard to choke out a crush when they slept together every night. So Erin made the painful choice to start limiting their contact.

Holtz slept like a rock so Erin started setting her alarm for an hour early so she’d wake up early and be out the door before Holtz even woke. She didn’t talk to Holtz too much at school. Holtz of course noticed but said nothing, assuming Erin was just feeling cramped and needed some privacy and time to sort things out. Despite all this they had a standing movie night, every Friday.  They’d get cozy on Erin’s bed with way too buttery popcorn and drinks and take turn picking the movie. It was their unspoken agreement that no matter what, at 9 o clock on Friday they watched a movie together.  

It was sacred ritual until one Friday afternoon.

 **Jay:** Hey Erin with an E, Piper asked me to the party, you know the one all the football players have been talking about all week. The supposed party of the century.

 **Erin with an E:** Piper Amber? The cheerleader?

 **Jay:** Yup, gave me the hair flip and wink and the whole routine.

 **Erin with an E:**  How did you let her down?

 **Jay:** I didn’t.

 **Erin with an E:** What do you mean you didn’t? Friday nights are our nights!

 **Jay:** Yeah but lately you’ve been all weird so I thought I’d let you be tonight. It’s not a big deal.

Erin’s hands shook and she had to set her phone down, lest she drop it or worse say something really nasty to her friend. ‘ _Not a big deal.’_  It was and the fact that Holtz couldn’t see that made Erin even more upset. It wasn’t the first time she was blown off or stood up, but it was the first time Holtz had done it. Erin lied to herself about why it stung so badly. It wasn’t because she was maybe in love with her best friend and she’d been blown off for some other girl, a dumb blonde cheerleader no less but because of the principal of it. She was upset because Holtz didn’t realize the importance of movie nights. Yes, that was it.

 **Erin with an E:** Fine. Enjoy the party.

 **Jay:**?

Erin choose to ignore her last text, instead stuffing her phone in her backpack and zipping it shut. She had two more classes today and thankfully neither of them were with Holtz. Her last class of the day was with Abby though so at least there was something to look forward to.

Biology seemed to drag on for days and when the bell finally rang Erin practically ran out of the class room. She had History with Abby next and she’d spent all of biology going over what she wanted to say in her head. When she got there, Abby was already seated and talking to a large black woman who, despite being seated Erin knew would tower over her.

“Uh, hey Abby...”

“Erin! You’ll never guess what!”

“What?” Erin asked, apprehensively. Abby simply beamed and gestured to the black woman.

“This is Patty and she’s amazing! She knows paranormal history like the palm of her hand. She even knows what ley lines are! We were talking about haunted hotels and other creepy stuff. Like did you know that the Cecil hotel in Los Angeles where Elisa Lam died was home to two serial killers and the place is supposed to be super haunted?” Abby looked so excited and despite her mood, this was pretty cool and Erin cracked a smile. The black woman, Patty, waved and smiled and it was hard to tell but she seemed a bit embarrassed by the praise.

“I just have a photographic memory nothing special.”

Abby gasped as if Patty had just confessed to murder. “Nothing special!? Patty a photographic memory is so cool!” Erin couldn’t help but smile. Abby was a really good friend and he best quality by far was making people feel good about themselves. Next to Holtz, Abby was her best friend.  Her good mood slipped however as she remembered with the whole Holtz moving in adventure they hadn’t hung out much or even really talked. What right did she have to dump all her problems on her now?

Surprisingly, it was Patty who called her out on the emotions warring inside. “Girl are you okay? You look like you’ve got a heavy load on your shoulders there.” Abby stopped excitedly flipping through her ‘ghost’ notebook and looked up, frowning and looking concerned. Erin never even got a chance to deny it.

“She’s right, what’s on your mind Erin?” She fidgeted, not quite comfortable with Talking about Holtz and by proxy her feelings with Patty right there. What if she told someone? Not that she could be ostracized even more but it certainly opened up a whole new venue of teasing remarks and insults.

“It’s about that thing I told you about? With that person?” Abby looked confused before she widened her eyes and mouthed ‘ooohhh.’ Patty to her credit didn’t seem to be put off with being excluded which Erin was extremely grateful for.

“Oh, that. What happened?” Erin cast her eyes between Abby and Patty and Abby clued in.

“Oh don’t worry about Patty. She’s very loyal. She won’t say anything. Plus she’s like, way better with people things than either of us are, maybe she can help?”

Patty smiled gently and mimed zipping her lips shut and throwing away the key. “Girl, high school is rough and kids is mean. I ain’t got no reason to go around making life worse for no one.” Erin hesitated a while longer before acquiescing and sliding into the desk behind Abby. Both girls turned sideways to give her their full attention and it helped that it made it feel a little more private.

“Okay to catch you up Patty, Erin here is best friends with Holtz-“

“The spunky kid with the crazy fashion sense? Blonde and always blowing up the chemistry lab?” Both Erin and Abby had to laugh a little at that perfect description of Holtz.

“Yeah her. Well Erin here for reasons she won’t tell me or anyone let Holtz move in with her. So they’ve been spending a lot more time together. A lot. So you know, hormones and stuff, so Erin’s got a crush on her and I said just tell her but according to her, the situation is just too complicated for that.” Patty nodded thoughtfully but didn’t say anything. “So she’s just been suffering in silence. There, all caught up.”

Patty nodded again. “That’s rough baby. So what’s your problem now if you worked out an understanding about the situation?”

Erin took a deep breath, twisting her fingers together anxiously. “Okay well, the _hormones_ as Abby so eloquently put it are getting worse but that’s not the big problem. She still my best friend so of course we still hang out and do friend things right?” Abby and Patty nodded and Erin realized how good it felt to talk about it to someone who wasn’t Abby or Holtz. Patty seemed to be a very genuine person and Erin could see herself becoming friends with her. “Well every Friday we do a movie night. It’s become our thing, and I thought Holtz knew how important it was except she blew me off today because some cheerleader flirted with her and invited her to that football party or whatever.”

“Damn she got invited to that party? What’d she do?” Erin shrugged bitterly.

“The way Holtz made it sound Piper just came up to her and started flirting and saying she should come.”

Abby made a face and shook her head. “Piper? As in Piper Amber? She’s gross I mean, who at school hasn’t she slept with? Someone should tell Holtz not to touch her with a ten foot pole. It’s no secret she loves it ‘bareback’ and who knows what kind of diseases she’s got going on.” Abby used air quotes when she said bareback.

Erin shook her head. “Anyways she blew me off and said it was no big deal. I mean…. Blowing me off really hurt but saying it was no big deal?” Erin shook her head and dropped her chin to her chest, a few tears pricking at her eyes. She’d lost all anger and now she was just hurt and upset. “Does she mean I’m not a big deal anymore?” Abby and Patty exchanged looks.

“Nah girl I just think you’re both misreading each other’s needs and the situation. Why don’t you just talk to her? Relationships are hard and I don’t even mean romantic ones I mean all kinds of relationships, and all the good ones are good because of the same thing, communication.”

Abby nodded. “Couldn’t have put it better myself. Just talk to her about it Erin.”

“I can’t because then I’ll have to tell her why I’m so upset!’ Erin was becoming more and more distressed, so much so that Abby stood up and stood behind her, rubbing soothing circles into her back.

“Calm down, it’s okay. Just tell her that Movie night is important because its ritual or something, Holtz of all people understand your weird ritual needs.” Erin nodded.

“Maybe I don’t know, maybe-“ Erin was interrupted by the teacher walking in and immediately calling for quiet. Abby shot her a sympathetic look before returning to her desk. History wasn’t as terrible as Erin thought it would be. Patty kept asking questions that were either completely ridiculous or incredibly specific and seeing their balding middle aged history professor being shown up by a woman not even half his age was greatly amusing. When the final bell rang Patty said she had to hurry off to work but made sure to give Erin a hug before she left, waving back at the both of them.

“We’re keeping her.” Abby stated.

Erin snorted in laughter. “She’s not a puppy I don’t think we really get to make the choice, but I agree. She’s really nice. We should definitely be friends.”

Not quite feeling ready to be alone Erin offered Abby a ride home despite the fact that it was way out of the way. Not being one to turn down a ride (and avoid public transit) Abby agreed. The drive was filled with music and laughter and by the time Erin had dropped Abby off and was on her way home, she was feeling better about the Holtz situation. (Only because she’d managed to push it to the back of her mind.)

Her plan for the evening was simple, homework and binge watching Myth busters to distract herself from her feelings. Dwelling on it wouldn’t solve anything anyways Erin thought as she pulled into her driveway.  Climbing the stairs to her bedroom she couldn’t deny the almost painful lack of Holtz. By now there’d be 80’s music blasting (She got it as loud as possible while Erin’s parents weren’t in the house and turned it down when they were.) There would be likely be a metallic smell as Holtz stripped wires or pulled things apart, parts spilling everywhere and smelling like a robot had just died. The room felt empty despite how cramped it was with the two of them living there. Holtz was everywhere, even the desk which Erin had more or less claimed as hers and hers alone.

Erin sighed and resigned herself to a very long night.

For the first time in her life Erin was extremely pleased to have a huge amount of homework. She had an essay due for her English class and countless math problems to do from both her AP physics and AP math classes. Her history teacher had assigned what felt like half the book to be read by Monday and Erin was happy for the distraction. Gathering everything she needed, A bottle of water and aspirin (just in case, Erin tended to get headaches after reading or focusing too hard for too long) All the textbooks she’d need and a notebook for her work. There was just something incredibly satisfying about writing down an equation and working out the solution and being able to trace your work back on paper.

By the time Erin had finished her homework, well except history because she just did not have the energy required to slog through that much reading after writing an entire essay, it was nearing midnight. She hadn’t even realized the late hour. “Right, mom and dad have that retreat this weekend” Erin said out loud, as if to fill the empty space. That explained why she’d worked straight through dinner time and why her stomach was howling.

Erin decided to venture downstairs to cook a small meal for herself to eat during an episode or two of Myth busters. Before she could rummage through the fridge however she saw a fifty dollar bill taped to the door with a note reading ‘So you and Jillian can order pizza, Love mom and dad.’ Erin grimaced and carefully pulled the bill off the tape and stuck the note in the trash. Just looking at it and reading Holtz’s name made her queasy and upset all over again. Her mood was calmed slightly as she ordered pizza and deciding to treat herself got breadsticks. The pizza guy promised to be there within 20 minutes and Erin thanked him before moving into the living room and turning the tv on, finding her steadily growing collection of Myth busters saved on the DVR.

The pizza arrived on time as promised, Erin thanked him and paid him and no sooner had she sat down on the couch than her phone vibrated. It was Holtz calling. Erin debated on picking up but choose not to, knowing that Holtz would be suitably drunk by now. She turned her phone onto vibrate and left it on the coffee table before picking up a piece of pizza and hitting play and trying to forget about the call and how hurt she was.

By the time Erin had finished her dinner it was late, nearing 1 in the morning. For Erin it might as well have been 4 in the morning as she always tried to be in bed by 11:30. It was a weekend however and she’d gotten a lot of work done so she let herself off the hook. Wrapping the cold pizza up and putting it in the fridge Erin stretched before heading upstairs to call it a night.

Lying in bed alone felt strange. Holtz was always warm and even though they didn’t exactly snuggle, Erin missed the warmth and comforting lull of Holtz’s kitten snore. It was harder to sleep without it than Erin would have thought. She wasn’t at a total loss. Before Holtzmann had started spending the night so frequently Erin would use a white noise app to sooth herself to sleep. The app provided various noises such as a kitten purring or the sounds of a thunderstorm or even the soft patter of rain. Erin was grateful she’d never uninstalled it off her phone and quickly set the app to the kitten purring.  The sounds of the fake cat lulled her to sleep rather easily and Erin fell asleep holding her phone.

~

Erin woke up screaming “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!” She frantically brushed herself down, going so far as to jump out of bed and shed her shirt. The nightmare fades a bit and Erin blinked. Her phone continued to vibrate and Erin despite her sleepy states realized it was her phone shaking in her palm that caused the sensation of something crawling on her. She sat down heavily and took a few deep breaths, calming her loudly pounding heart. Her phone continued to vibrate and Erin begrudgingly picked it up. Holtz beamed back at her from the screen and squinting Erin could read the time in the corner 2:47 AM.  Mad at being woken and scared half to death but also scared and worried Holtz was hurt or something Erin took one more deep breath before answering.

“Hello?” she asked. She can hear loud music in the background and giggling

“Heeeeeyyyy Erin!!!!” Holtz said, way too loudly and way too happily in her ear. She flinched and pulled the phone away from her ear.

“What is it Holtzmann?” Holtz giggled and Erin was already done with this phone call. It was obvious it was a drunk dial.

“Erin there’s like…” Holtz apparently drops her phone because there’s a clatter and thuds before Holtz picks her phone back up. “Erin there’s some uhm…” Holtz paused again, truly testing her patience. “Theres some not good people here I need to come home.”

“So come home.” She snapped. Holtz was quiet for so long Erin was sure she’d hung up or forgotten she was even talking on the phone.

“I can’t.”

Erin sighs. “Why not.”

“Because uh… Piper drove me here and I think she’s having sex with Zach on the couch over there.” Holtz pauses and hums. “Or is that Jackson?” There’s a brief silence then a giggle. “It’s both. She’s having a threesome right there on the couch.” Erin tries to get that mental image out of her head (its stuck there for weeks afterwards.)

“Okay, well is there anyone else there who can drive you?” Holtz hums again.

“Oh right, phone hah, I shook my head.” She laughs and Erin’s patience is really running out. “No no hmmmm everyone’s really drunk. Me too.” Erin relaxed a little. She may be very mad and she may also be very tired but more than anything else she’s glad Holtz didn’t get in the car with a drunk driver.

“Ok. Where are you?” she concedes. She hears Holtz give a little cheer before saying something about going to get the address. It takes a couple minutes for Holtz to get an answer (Apparently she interrupted Piper’s threesome to ask, Erin really doesn’t want details.) Erin writes down the address and says she’ll be there soon before hanging up.

It takes her an extra minute to fully wake up and be considered functioning before she gets up and changes into a pair of sweats and the nearest shirt. she’s not exactly dressed for a public appearance but the only people who will see her will be kids too drunk to remember and Holtzmann. The address Holtz gave her is across town and Erin just sighs. “Of course.” She whispered to the steering wheel. 

The drive over is uneventful and when Erin arrives, she double checks the address. The house is less of a house and more of a mansion. Kids in various stages of undress are all over the place and Erin sincerely hopes there’s a pool out back to account for all the nudity.  Three texts to Holtz go unanswered and Erin knows she’s going to have to find her. Locking the car Erin strides up the long drive way and since the door is wide open, doesn’t bother knocking. Not that it would have done much, Erin muses. Half the school is present and Erin knows finding Holtz is going to be a bit of a challenge.

It takes her five minutes but she finds Holtz sprawled awkwardly over a piano bench (which is just confusing because Erin hadn’t seen a piano in any of the rooms.) She goes over and Holtz recognises her through the fog of alcohol. She leaps up, or tries to, it’s more of a jump and stumble and recovery before grabbing Erin in a hug. She smells distinctly of whiskey and chlorine, an unappetizing combination. “Erin!!” She shouts excitedly.

“Yes it’s me now let’s go.” She pries Holtz off her but keeps a firm grip on her wrist and drags her out of the house and down the driveway. She has to open the door for Holtz and buckle her in which isn’t easy because she just keeps wiggling and grabbing at her. She finally calms when Erin half shouts at her to calm down so she doesn’t accidentally kill her on the way home. With Holtz safely secured Erin hurries over to the driver’s side and carefully drives away as drunk kids are now spotted along the sidewalk and the last thing she needs is to hit one of them.

Erin is focused on driving as Holtz babbles next to her, talking about jello shots and how everyone at the party liked that she could blow up a vase with vinegar (Erin doesn’t ask, doesn’t want to know) and how Some cute girl danced with her. Erin’s knuckles tighten on the wheel and she has to tune Holtz out after that because she really doesn’t want to hear about some girl Holtz has never met before flirting with her and dancing with her. Doesn’t want to think about Holtz kissing the faceless girl, doesn’t want to imagine her hands up Holtz’s shirt. She doesn’t realize the stifling silence that’s been filling the car until Holtz sniffles and Erin spares a quick glance over but Holtz is turned away, her face pressed to the window.

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to be sick.” Erin groans, keeping her eyes on the road. Holtz doesn’t respond and Erin looks over again. Holtz is trembling slightly, her fists shaking in her lap. Concern instantly removing any leftover anger Erin reaches out to pat Holtz’s thigh but she shrinks back, swats her hand away and whimpers. Scared now, she parks the car on some street as soon as she can, she unbuckles herself, turning to the blonde, curled up in the passenger seat and it’s obvious now that she’s crying, little whimpers and sniffles escaping.

“Holtz? What’s wrong are you okay?” Erin doesn’t know what to do, she doesn’t know if she can touch her or not, doesn’t even know what’s wrong. “Holtz? Jay?” She can’t just sit her while her best friend cries, shaking and whimpering right next to her. She touches her shoulder and her heart hurts when she feels just how bad she’s shaking. “Jay, come on, tell me what’s wrong?” Erin is scared now.  It takes some coaxing but eventually Holts uncurls, just enough to turn over. Her blue eyes are red rimmed and there’s tears still streaming down her cheeks. She looks so devastated, so hurt and utterly destroyed that Erin wants to cry herself. Slowly she reaches up and Holtz lets her cup her cheek and wipe away tears even though she’s still crying. “Jay, please, what is it?”

“I’ve lost you.” Her voice is so small, it shakes and there’s something wretched in her tone and Erin can’t help but lean across the console and hold her as tight as she can. It doesn’t matter that her shoulder really hurts or that there’s something uncomfortable digging into her ribs. Holtz clings to her and cries into her shoulder, big wracking sobs now that she doesn’t have to hide her pain.  _‘I’ve lost you’_ Erin doesn’t know what to make of that but it’s an issue for another time, the first thing she has to do is calm Holtz. 

It takes ten minutes for her to calm down to a manageable level. Erin pulls away, just slightly, enough for Holtz to pull in deeper breaths now that she’s capable. It takes another five minutes for Holtz to sit up and for Erin to knock her hand away and wipe the tears away for her. She stays close, hold her hand as Holtz tugs a hand through her hair. Softly, like her words are needles and Holtz is a balloon, Erin asks “what did you mean by I’ve lost you?” Holtz tenses up again but Erin rubs her shoulder, thumb digging into the spot where her neck joins her shoulder in a way that always sooths the blonde.

“I mean...” Holtz stutters through a breath and gathers herself before trying again. “You’re pulling away, you never talk to me anymore and whenever I wake up you’re already gone. You don’t want to be friends anymore.” Erin’s heart shatters, pieces littering the bottom of her stomach. How could she not notice what she’d been doing to Holtz? Making her think she didn’t want to be friends anymore when all she really wanted was more of her.

“Jay...” Erin fumbles. She doesn’t know what to say. Now doesn’t seem to be the right time to confess to her feeling but it also feels like exactly the time to confess her feelings. Her hand moves from her neck to cup her cheek and she rubs softly. “I promise you, that’s not true. You’re my absolute best friend. I can’t do this without you.” Her words draw a tight half smile from her and Erin feels like she’s on the right path. ”I promise you, you haven’t lost me. There’s a reason I’ve been…distant lately. But that’s a conversation we need to have sober okay?” Holtz seems tense so Erin cups her jaw and makes her look at her, grey eyes meeting blue. “I promise you, I won’t try and get out of this okay? But you’re still drunk and a mess so let’s get you home and into those X-files pyjamas you love so much and talk about it in the morning.”

Holtz nodded and Erin sat back in the driver seat but took Holtz’s hand over the console and doesn’t let go the whole way home. Holtz is still very drunk and Erin has to help her, both of them stumbling in the front door and Erin sends up a thank you to whoever is listening that her parents aren’t home and she doesn’t have to worry about waking them up. She helps her up the stairs and into their bedroom. Holtz clumsily strips down to her sports bra and her pink Floyd boxer briefs and needs help getting dressed again so Erin helps her step into her pyjamas and tugs a shirt over her head. Finally she helps Holtz into bed.

Normally they slept with their backs to each other. It wasn’t that they were avoiding each other, Holtz just slept on her stomach and Erin liked to look at Holtz’s glowing radioactive poster as she fell asleep. But tonight, as soon as Erin slipped into bed next to Holtz, she snuggled up, throwing one arm and leg across her and clinging almost as tightly as she had in the car. “Comfortable?” Erin asked softly. Holtz nodded and she felt it against her shoulder more than saw it.  Holtz was still clearly insecure about Erin potentially leaving so she began to softly card her fingers through lush and wilder than ever blonde hair. It did the job and Holtz relaxed, her grip loosening from defcon 5 to a regular hold. Soon after she had fallen asleep, her kitten snore that Erin had missed earlier tonight was back. It felt like ages when it had only been hours ago and so much had changed. There would be much more change when morning came around. Though it might be tough, Erin resolved to get some sleep. She was warm and hadn’t realized how sleepy she really was because she was out cold not 10 minutes after Holtz.

The next morning came and Erin sleepily blinked, squinting against the sun streaming in through her window. Holtzmann was still firmly snuggled up to her, one hand fisted in her t-shirt from the night before. Looking at it properly for the first time she recognized it as one of Holtz’s.  Erin debated getting out of bed and bringing some water and Advil, the hangover her friend would have was sure to be a monstrous one. Eventually her motherly nature won and Erin gently pried Holtz off her and slipped from the bed, padding quietly to the bathroom and filling a glass with water and bringing the medication with her. By the time she returned Holtz had starfished across the entire bed, leaving no space for Erin to crawl back in. She couldn’t keep the fond smile off her lips. Setting the glass of water and Advil on the night table she carefully settled in at her desk. There wasn’t much to do while she waited for Holtz to wake up so she may as well finish her homework.

She knew once Holtz woke up she’d have to confess her feelings but strangely that didn’t bother her, rather it brought a sense of tranquility. Erin let Holtz sleep, she needed it after the night she’d, no that they’d had. It was only 40 minutes or so before Holtz began to stir. A long pained groan let Erin know she had tried to open her eyes and her hangover was probably already killing her. Standing she grabbed the glass of water and sat on the bed, shielding Holtz from the sun. “Drink this.” Holtz sipped at the now lukewarm water and Erin shook two pills from the bottle and handed them to Holtz who gratefully washed them down with the remainder of her water. “How’s the hangover?”

“It feels like somebody is jackhammering around in my skull.” She groaned, stuffing her face back in the pillow.

“That’s what happens when you drink yourself into stupidity. Which for you is saying something.” Holtz snorted but smiled and Erin mentally gave herself a pat on the back.  “So, what do you remember about last night?” Holtz sighed and dragged herself out from under the pillows.

“Surprisingly a lot. God… I interrupted Piper during her threesome…” Erin had to laugh at that, a full laugh that she hadn’t been feeling for weeks now. “I really hope she doesn’t remember that otherwise it’s gonna bite me in the ass on Monday.” Erin patted her thigh consolingly.

“From the way that party was going, no one’s going to be having much of a good time today so you’re not alone.” Holtz just groaned and face planted into the mattress.

“Will some frozen waffles make you feel better?”  Holtz nodded and Erin grinned. Typical Holtzmann.

They made their way downstairs and Erin made the waffles as well as some eggs. A comfortable silence feel between them while Erin made breakfast. Just as she was dividing the eggs between their two plates Holtz spoke up. “So what was it that had to wait until I was sober?” Turning around, Erin could see Holtz seemed to be relaxed but Erin knew better. Her knuckles were slowly going white and her jaw was too tight. Erin set the plates down and leaned up against the counter, looking up at the ceiling and letting a breath out. It was now or never and there was a sort of serenity in know she didn’t have to hide anymore. This was it. This would either make or break their relationship and how things went here and now dictated her future, as cheesy as it was to say.

“I’m not sure how to say this and I guess we both know we do better when things are put bluntly.” Holtz nodded, now visibly very tense. “So here goes. I like you. I clued in that day you came to school in that scarf and I saw what your dad did to you. I really wanted to hurt him and I’m not really one for violence but I really wanted to hurt him, make him understand what he did, make him realize how amazing and perfect and beautiful you are. It just got worse and well, we live together I just didn’t see this going anywhere good. I mean I know you like ladies but that doesn’t mean you’ll like me. So I started trying to distance myself, to choke this crush out for both our benefit. It just got worse and I don’t think it’s just a crush anymore. I Know I really care for you and I spend an embarrassing amount of time day dreaming about you. I like you Holtz and it’s more than just a fleeting crush.” Erin finished her miniature speech and tipped her head back down. Looking at the ceiling was giving her a head rush, or was she just faint from admitting everything out loud?

Holtz stood slowly without saying a word. Erin was afraid she was going to leave, just up and go. Instead she came close, so close their knees knocked together and she gently cupped her cheeks, calloused thumbs rubbing back and forth. Erin felt like a frog pinned down in biology class with the intensity Holtz was looking at her.  “You like me?” Holtz voice was low and rough and Erin immediately recognized it as Holtz’s emotional voice.

“Yes.”

Holtz’s tongue darted out to wet her lips as she continued to rub her thumbs along her cheeks, her grip tightening subtly. Her jaw worked and her blue eyes darted all over Erin’s face. “I like you too. It… it really hurt seeing you pull away like that… I thought… I thought it was because you were grossed out or... Something I don’t know but I was losing my best friend.” Erin felt guilty, her heart hammering against her ribcage and railing at the injustice of the situation. She put her hands on Holtz’s hips and pulled her closer, the blonde’s hands slipping from her cheeks to rest around her neck. “I like you too... And I’d really like to kiss you right now.”  Erin could feel herself blushing bright red. She honestly hadn’t expected Holtzmann to reciprocate her feelings and the idea of actually kissing her had never crossed her mind.

“y-you do?” She squeaked. Holtz tilted her head.

“Is that not okay? I know you don’t like being touched but-“

“No! No no! It’s okay I just…” Erin has to laugh, if a little breathlessly. “I spent all this time wanting you, pining after you, but the idea that you liked me back never crossed my mind even once.” Holtz smiles then, a small and private smile meant just for her.

“So... I _can_ kiss you?

“Yes, you can kiss me. Please.” Holtz smiles that private little smile once more before gently leaning forward and pressing their lips together. It’s soft and gentle and Erin swears it’s everything she wanted in life and more. There’s no fireworks or stars, just the feeling that she’s finally come home, the feeling that this is where she belongs and no one can take it away. She kisses back and dimly she hopes she’s not terrible. This is her first kiss after all. When they break away neither can keep the smiles of their faces.

“Everything you dreamed of?”

Erin shook her head. “More.” She replied before pulling her closer and kissing her again, wrapping her arms fully around the blonde’s waist and pulling her as close as possible. Pressed against each other and kissing in her kitchen while the food gets cold, Erin doesn’t think she’s ever been this happy or carefree. Erin half expects Holtz to start kissing her neck or for her hands to wander and she doesn’t realize she’s said it out loud until Holtz chuckles.

“Would you like me to?” She asks, making Erin flush and stick her face against her neck and groaning in embarrassment.

“Yes but no?” Holtz rubs her back and chuckles once more, her typical confident and wild personality finally coming back.

“What does that even mean?” Erin huffs, embarrassed but figuring she’s this far so why stop now.

“I do but… I don’t…” she huffs again, this time in frustration. “It’s sounds so typical to stay but I want to take it slow. I don’t want this to just be a casual thing…” she hesitates and chews on her lip. Before continuing. “I want to date you, I want to call you my girlfriend and go on dates and hold your hand, maybe even in school. I want you to be mine.”

Holtz pulls away and cups her cheeks once more and grins. “Erin, I’ve been yours for a long time now.” It makes Erin blush but smile so hard she swears her face will crack in half. She can’t help but excitedly rush forward and press a clumsy kiss first to Holtz cheek, then her mouth. They’re both breathless and laughing and Erin snuggles up to Holtz who inexplicably is always warm. Holtz holds her and its heaven.

“So is that a yes?”

“To what?” Erin shakes her head but smiles.

“You really want me to say it, don’t you?”

Holtz giggles and Erin can hear the sound rumbling in her chest where her ear is firmly pressed. “Yes Ms. Gilbert, I’m really going to make you say it.”

Erin pulls away and straightens before offering her palm and in a fake British noble accent says “Ms. Holtzmann would you do me the honor of being my gal pal?” Holtz burst out laughing, full on cackling, bent over at the waist and it appears, actually crying she’s laughing so hard.

She tries to straighten, getting most of the way there and through giggles and tears of laughter manages to more or less replicate the cheesy accent “I would be delighted Ms. Gilbert.”

They share another kiss and Erin snuggles into her girlfriend and relishes how that sounds, even just to herself. Girlfriend. Holtz is her girlfriend. She grins and tips her head up to say something but is instead met with her warm lips and a hand on the back of her head. Finally it feels like everything has slotted into place and finally, finally she’s happy, deliriously so.


End file.
